


Illumination In Unnatural Light

by DefaltManifesto



Series: GTOP Kink Series [4]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, M/M, Switching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 04:10:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15655482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefaltManifesto/pseuds/DefaltManifesto
Summary: “Who knew just asking to switch it up in the bedroom would lead to such an identity crisis, hm?”“It’s a very you thing to do,” Seunghyun says.





	Illumination In Unnatural Light

**Author's Note:**

> This fic. Did not go anywhere near the direction it was supposed to go but that basically seems to be the theme in this series. This part doesn't really have much kink in it? This is more like a character building interlude. With some light foreshadowing of future kinks. Let me know what you think with comments, I always appreciate them. Thanks to the people in the k-pop writers discord for hosting writing sprints cuz without them this fic wouldn't get done so holla. Title from Soon Love Soon by Vienna Teng. Good song dudes.
> 
> Find me on twitter @ Defaltmanifesto
> 
> if you're a Seungri Stan, please fuck off cuz I think you're disgusting

Jiyong regrets saying anything as soon as the words leave him, not because Seunghyun looks put off or upset but because he really wishes he thought more before speaking when they were alone. Seunghyun removes his glasses closes his book. Jiyong contemplates running for the door so they can pretend this never happened. Seunghyun beats him to the punch.         

“Sure we can try that,” Seunghyun says.

“It’d be your first time,” Jiyong says.

Seunghyun’s eyes narrow and he tilts his head to the side. “Yes, it would. Why would I want that with anyone other than you?”

Jiyong straightens in his seat. “I…”

“I already gave you my virginity.”

“Point taken.”

"Then why would you think I would want this with someone else?”

Jiyong stays silent because it’s not like his crippling self-esteem is a secret. Neither is Seunghyun’s. It’s something he has a difficult time reconciling, his public image and his real self; the self-confident, fashionable singer and the real Jiyong. The one he didn’t even really know. It was hard to be confident in a person he didn’t ever get time to reflect on and be.

He takes a breath and moves across the living room, tugging Seunghyun’s book out of his hands as he straddles his lap in one smooth motion before pressing their lips together in a soft, gentle kiss. Seunghyun smiles into it, one long arm wrapping around his waist.

“Let’s not talk about it anymore tonight,” Jiyong says in between kisses. “Tonight, I just want this.”

 

-.-

 

They don’t revisit the idea for a while. It’s mostly Jiyong’s fault. Their brief discussion has him reeling on the inside every day, all through practice, all through recording sessions, through every waking moment. How could he ask Seunghyun to trust him when he didn’t trust himself? How could he fall in love with anyone, let them fall in love with him, when he didn’t even know who he was? No wonder every relationship before now had ended in tatters.

He wonders how long it’ll be before this one ends the same way. Will it be the end of their music career? Will the differences be irreconcilable or will they retreat into themselves, become who they are on the outside to drown out the human inside? The thoughts and questions circle in his mind and he writes pages and pages of lyrics and burns them with a lighter on his balcony in hopes that it’ll destroy the traitorous thoughts.

He wants to talk to Seunghyun about it. Seunghyun and Youngbae were his best friends, and given that Seunghyun was the other party in the conflict in his mind, he should be the one he speaks to. He doesn’t want to make him panic though, so instead he turns to Youngbae.

“That…looks expensive,” Youngbae says when Jiyong sets four bottles of wine on his kitchen counter and slides into one of the barstools. He pulls out a cork opener and passes it to Jiyong anyways.

Jiyong opens one of the bottles and presses it to his lips, taking three deep swallows before setting it down and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Youngbae raises an eyebrow and uncorks another one.

“So it’s that kind of discussion,” Youngbae says.

Jiyong nods and drags himself over to Youngbae’s couch. The last time he’d gotten wasted and cried on Youngbae was when he realized he was bisexual. Sure, they both enjoyed getting drunk, but this wasn’t the fun drunk. This was the lose-your-mind-long-enough-to-tell-the-truth drunk and Jiyong could only hope he’d wake up on the other side of it with some answers.

“Does this have anything to do with you and Seunghyun dating?” Youngbae asks, folding into the couch next to him and slinging an arm over his shoulders before taking a sip of his own wine bottle.

Jiyong’s fingers tap against the glass of the bottle in his hands. “Were we that obvious?”

“Daesung doesn’t know. Probably no one else besides me,” Youngbae says. “I know you too well. I know what love looks like in your eyes, at least that kind of love.”

"I haven’t loved anyone like I love Seunghyun,” Jiyong says, then swallows another mouthful, head knocking against Youngbae’s arm as he does so. “I don’t think I love him either though.”

“Huh?”

“You can’t love someone unless you love yourself, isn’t that what they say?”

Youngbae snorts. “That’s shit and you know it.”

“But you can’t love someone if you don’t know who you are, can you?”

Those words don’t get anything in response outside Youngbae going tense beside him. They don’t talk about it often, what they lost more than Daesung, or Seunghyun. They started younger, losing childhood before it had even started all on the hopes that a pipe dream could come true for them because they worked hard enough. Hard work meant nothing. What it really took was a catchy hook and luck. But they’d given the company everything from the moment they could really start having a sense of self anyways.

“Jiyong…” Youngbae presses his lips to Jiyong’s head, then turns and Jiyong listens to him take his own few deep swallows of wine. “I don’t have the answer for you there. You know I don’t. I’m just as lost as you are.”

“But do you think you can love?” Jiyong asks, voice quiet as his throat tightens and his eyes burn. He wants to throw the bottle at the wall and curl up and cry. He wants to down it all and forget he even brought any of it up at all, wants to just go back to being a performer and forget all of this.

“Of course I can,” Youngbae says. “Just because I’m still trying to figure out who I am under all this…under my faith, doesn’t mean I can’t love anyone. It’s not like you have to tick the pre-requisite boxes before God comes down and says ‘congratulations, you get to love someone now!’ It’s just…harder.”

“Seunghyun trusts me with what we do,” Jiyong says, glaring at the bottle. He takes another sip. “We do stuff, dominance and submission shit, and it means we have to trust each other but how can he trust me when he doesn’t even know who he’s trusting?”

“Hey, don’t say that,” Youngbae says. “I know who you are just fine, I know who I’m trusting with my career, my vocals, my whole person when we’re on tour.”

“Then who am I, Youngbae?” Jiyong asks as his words become more bitter.

“I think you’re a man who cares a lot about all of us even when we annoy you. I think that you like to pretend you’re selfish because it makes it easier to hide all the things you do for all of us,” Youngbae says. “It means you’re a great leader, even when you aren’t playing at being G-Dragon.”

“That’s not me,” Jiyong says, cheeks flushing. He takes another few swallows and sets the wine on the ground. “That’s…what I’ve become so that Big Bang can succeed. How do I know that if this hadn’t happened, if I hadn’t decided to pursue this, that I wouldn’t be someone completely different?”

Youngbae’s hand rubs at the space between his shoulders, gentle and even a little soothing. “Circumstances only change so much. You would’ve found yourself in a position like this at some point even if you had taken a different path. It’s just who you are. You want to take care of people and you want to succeed and maybe you’re right, maybe YG cultivated that in you, trained it into you, but they can’t create something out of nothing. You’re someone reliable. Of course Seunghyun can trust you.”

Jiyong doesn’t say anything, just leans forward on his knees and sips at his wine as he mulls over Youngbae’s words. It would be comforting to just believe him. Just believe that he is everything Youngbae says he is and ignore the deep-seated sense that he’s just a faker and one day, everyone is going to realize he’s been faking it this whole time. They’ll realize he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

“Ji…I can’t make you believe in yourself. All I can do is tell you what I see,” Youngbae says. “But I don’t think you should sell yourself short and think that just because you haven’t had time to figure out everything about yourself means you can’t love Seunghyun and he can’t love you back.”

“I don’t know,” Jiyong says, mostly as a way to fill the silence and let Youngbae know he’s been heard. “It’s too much to think about.”

“I’m no therapist,” Youngbae says as he slaps Jiyong hard between the shoulders. “But I do know you’re not going to solve this all in one drunken night.”

“I’m still going to drink all these bottles of wine though,” Jiyong says, a smile tugging at his lips when he looks over at Youngbae.

“You’re damn right we are.”

 

-.-

 

Seunghyun gets impatient. Jiyong can’t really blame him, but he still feels taken aback when Seunghyun tells him they need to talk. He buys them these little cakes Jiyong still likes for dessert, so he knows it isn’t anything as dire as a break up, but he still finds himself fidgeting with nerves as he nibbles on it where he sits on the living room couch.

“Youngbae said you talked,” Seunghyun says, pacing in front of him. “He didn’t say any of the specifics, just that you were struggling and needed to use him as a sounding board for things. I get that. But…shouldn’t we talk too?”

“Did you plan all of that out?” Jiyong asks. “That seemed well rehearsed.”

Seunghyun tries to glare but breaks into a smile. “I had to. You can be intimidating sometimes.”

Jiyong frowns as he chews. “I don’t mean to be.”

“Chew with your mouth closed, what are you, five?” Seunghyun asks as he sits down beside him with a huff. “And I know I don’t have to worry with you but I didn’t want to say something stupid just because I’m frustrated.”

Jiyong gives him a pointed look as he deliberately chews the rest of the cake before wiping his fingers on his sweatpants. Seunghyun just rolls his eyes.

“I’m still working out in my head what we talked about. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet because I feel like it requires more trust then I think you should have in me,” Jiyong says. “But it’s not fair to keep you out.”

“So why did you?”

“It’s just…Youngbae gets my insecurities the way the rest of you can’t,” Jiyong says. “We’ve been in it together since the start so it’s just something  I needed to sort out with him.”

“You said you were still working it out in your head…are you any closer than you were?” Seunghyun asks.

Jiyong gives a nervous laugh. “I’d like to think so but regardless, he did reassure me about you.”

Seunghyun frowns. “About me? Why not come to me for that reassurance?”

“Because you’re biased obviously,” Jiyong says, then sighs at Seunghyun’s raised eyebrow. “I wanted the perspective of someone from the outside who knows…what I am. I just wasn’t sure you were in love with the real me.”

“I’ve never mixed you up with the performance you put on,” Seunghyun says. “Jiyong, I’ve known you almost my whole life.”

“I know,” Jiyong says. “It’s just I don’t know me. But that’s not important because you see me in ways no one else gets to and that’s something, even if I don’t know who I am.”

Seunghyun loops an arm over Jiyong’s shoulders, tugging him close. “I don’t think anyone really knows who they are. I certainly don’t. I think…maybe we are also different people depending on who we are with but that doesn’t mean we’re faking it, we’re just emphasizing different parts of ourselves. I don’t think G-Dragon is separate from you. He’s just a part of you that’s magnified for performance.”

Jiyong shoves the rest of the cake in his mouth, chewing slowly to give himself time to think. Seunghyun squeezes his shoulder. It’s reassurance, he thinks, that he can take his time to process everything. He supposes in a lot of ways Seunghyun was right. He constantly tailored his words and posture depending on who he was dealing with and sure, sometimes it was intentional like when he needed to stare down an executive to wrest control back but the more he thought about it, the more he realized there were all sorts of small things he did to make others comfortable.

A touch to Seunghyun’s arm to reassure him in an interview, a delicate shift in his posture when he was around Youngbae to indicate a submissiveness to what he was trying to say when no one was listening, and a simple meeting of eyes when Daesung needed to know he’d done something right. G-Dragon was just an enhanced, brash version of the quiet protection and leadership he showed as himself. But he knew the rest did similar things. He noticed it in the way Youngbae would shift in front of him during heated company meetings, or how Daesung drew away attention away from him when he needed to collect his thoughts.

“I suppose life is easier if G-Dragon is completely separate. I don’t always like what I am when I’m him,” Jiyong says. “I don’t like that that part of me will always be selfish and put a career before friendship and love and…you.”

“I knew what I signed on for when you asked me to join all those years ago,” Seunghyun says, leaning in to press his lips to Jiyong’s temple. “What we do in the public doesn’t matter, as long as you’re in my corner in private.”

“I can do that,” Jiyong says. “I always have. I always will.” He huffs out a sigh and shakes his head. “Who knew just asking to switch it up in the bedroom would lead to such an identity crisis, hm?”

“It’s a very you thing to do,” Seunghyun says as he leans back again, releasing his grip on Jiyong. “Better to talk about it though. I’m glad we did.”

Jiyong reaches out and squeezes his knee. “Thank you, Seunghyun, for having the patience to wait for me.”

Seunghyun covers his hand with his own and when their eyes meet, Jiyong feels not for the first time like he’s drowning in the deep loyalty he sees there, the tenderness and care. “I’ll always wait for you.”

 

-.-

 

Jiyong doesn’t think too hard about his suggestion over the next few days. It’s not like it’s something like what they did before, something they need to plan and talk to death, especially not after everything else he’d agonized over. It makes more sense to just let the role reversal happen naturally he thinks.

Which leads to where he is now, fingers tracing down the knobs of Seunghyun’s spine as sunlight begins to peak through the blinds over his bedroom windows. Seunghyun huffs in his sleep and curls him arms around his pillow before lying still again. He always was a deep sleeper when he slept beside Jiyong. Struck by inspiration, Jiyong slides the sheets down and shifts up to straddle Seunghyun’s thighs, pressing up against his back and leaning down to press a gentle kiss to the place where his neck meets his skull. Another kiss lower makes his hair tickle Seunghyun’s shoulder, the light and fluttering motion finally being enough to make Seunghyun’s eyes flicker open.

“Having fun back there?” Seunghyun mumbles, voice thick with sleep.

Jiyong grinds his half-hard cock against Seunghyun’s ass through their sleep pants before teasing at Seunghyun’s ear with his tongue. “Very much so.”

Seunghyun closes his eyes even as he presses back against him. “Go ahead, if you want.”

Jiyong wants, so he does. He takes his time mapping out Seunghyun’s shoulders and back with kisses, teeth scraping here and there just to make sure Seunghyun was still awake and alert. By the time he pulls Seunghyun’s sleep pants over the curve of his ass and down his legs, they’re both hard but the arousal feels just like background noise. He pushes himself off long enough to knock a hand through the bedside dresser for lube and slick his fingers and then he takes his spot back down between Seunghyun’s thighs.

“I’m more nervous than I thought,” Seunghyun says.

Jiyong rubs the pad of his thumb against his hole, feels the way Seunghyun rocks back against it even as he tenses. “Just tell me and we’ll stop. I’ll go slow.”

Seunghyun nods into the pillow and spreads his legs just a bit more. Jiyong sticks to his word, taking his time to just rub his fingers over Seunghyun’s hole, petting it with slow strokes and pressing kisses to the base his spine until Seunghyun relaxes enough for the first finger to slide in. Seunghyun shifts up on the bed, one leg jerking. For a moment, Jiyong almost stops but then Seunghyun lets out a long breath and relaxes again, rocking back.

“It’s…does it feel like this for you?” Seunghyun asks, voice rough.

“Like what?” Jiyong asks, working his finger in and out at a slow pace and rubbing against his hole with his thumb in a gentle motion as he does so.

“Like…” Seunghyun buries his face in the pillow again and when Jiyong shifts up and to the side so he can see his face, he sees that he’s flushed bright red. “Just good. I thought it would be uncomfortable at first but I like this…”

“Ah, I see I’ve ruined it for us both,” Jiyong says, voice teasing as he slides a second finger in along the first but just halfway. “You’ll never let me bottom again will you?”

Seunghyun flails a hand back and Jiyong can’t help but laugh when blunt nails catch his chest. “Don’t be stupid.”

“Sorry, I’m glad you like it though,” Jiyong says. “It’s different from fucking someone, a different type of vulnerability. I always found fucking someone to be more intense than being fucked.”

“Ah…Ji…” One of Seunghyun’s hands moves up to grasp at his own sleep-mussed hair, thoughts and words ruined by whatever he’s feeling as Jiyong scissors his fingers with each slow thrust.  “H-How? How is it more intense than this?”

Jiyong hums to himself in thought as he drizzles more lube over his fingers and Seunghyun’s hole before fucking into him a little deeper. “Believe me, it’s intense to be fucked, especially with what we do but it’s powerful too. I can wreck a man, I _have_ wrecked men, who’ve been on top. The right facial expression, the right noise…you can break them apart. Even with you, I feel powerful even as you fuck every rational thought out of me because I know you’re in it as deep as I am. But when I’m on top it’s like…I can’t control myself at all. Everything is right at the surface.” He glances down at Seunghyun as he tests his entrance with a third finger. “But maybe now isn’t the time for a deep philosophical discussion about sex.”

“I like that too,” Seunghyun says and Jiyong can see the curve of a smile on his lips. “It’s kind of sexy, listening to you be so analytical as you make me feel like this.”

“Oh?” Jiyong leans over him again, pressing a kiss to his jaw before bringing his lips to Seunghyun’s ear. “And how am I making you feel?”

Before Seunghyun can come up with a response, he lets his third finger slide in. Perhaps it’s because it’s so early in the morning and sleep still clogs Seunghyun’s mind, but Jiyong’s impressed at how easily he opened up for him.

“You’re making me feel…” Seunghyun trails off on a moan as Jiyong curls his fingers down, nailing his prostate on his first try. “Oh f-fuck Jiyong…”

“That’s it, feels good doesn’t it?” Jiyong asks. “Roll over for me. Makes the angle easier.”

He slides his fingers out and Seunghyun practically hurls himself onto his back, spreading his legs without prompting. It’s hotter than Jiyong thought it would be, seeing Seunghyun desperate for it. He presses their lips together in a rough kiss even as he slides his fingers in again, going right for his prostate and rubbing with a firm persistence that has Seunghyun’s thighs shaking.

“Oh god, Jiyong, I can’t…” Seunghyun gasps the words out against his lips, head falling back against the pillow. “It’s…”

Jiyong can’t help but be surprised, watching pre-come drool out of Seunghyun’s cock as his heels dig into the mattress and he rocks with a sort of helpless desperation onto Jiyong’s fingers. “Are you going to come just from this?”

Seunghyun shakes his head, eyes wild when they meet his. “I need…your hand, please, please, Ji, please!”

“Okay baby, okay, I got you,” Jiyong says.

He sits up and wraps a dry hand around Seunghyun’s cock and only manages one stroke before Seunghyun’s back arches and he comes, hips jerking as he makes a mess of his stomach. Jiyong stares at him, brain trying to catch up with the fact that a little fingering was all it took. His own cock throbs between his legs and he pulls his fingers out of Seunghyun to wipe them off on a hastily grabbed tissue. Before he can do anything else, Seunghyun pushes him down on the bed and shifts down to take Jiyong’s cock into his mouth.

“F-Fuck Seunghyun!”

Jiyong doesn’t mean to, but he yanks at Seunghyun’s hair as his hips buck up and Seunghyun takes it with ease, swallowing around Jiyong’s cock as his fingers dig into the meat of his ass. He wants to make it last but he can’t, mind still spinning with the way Seunghyun looked when he came. He comes down Seunghyun’s throat with the heel of his foot digging into Seunghyun’s shoulder and his back arched so hard he knows he’ll have to stretch it out later. It’s worth it though, especially when he gets to see Seunghyun lick away the extra come from his lips as he sits up.

They stare at each other, both panting. Then Seunghyun smiles and flops down on top of him, forcing a grunt out of Jiyong’s chest as he flails beneath him for a moment before letting his arms wrap around Seunghyun’s hips.

“We have no excuse for how fast we both came,” Jiyong says. “We should be ashamed.”

“Mmm, feels too good to be ashamed,” Seunghyun says, nuzzling Jiyong’s neck with his nose. “Imagine what it’ll be like when you fuck me for real.”

Jiyong groans as his cock twitches. “Too soon, way too soon.”

Seunghyun laughs.

 

-.-

 

“You seem happier,” Youngbae says.

Jiyong looks up from where he’s stretching. There’s a few more dancers left with them, lingering as they talk with one another and pack. Youngbae leans against the mirror. He’d been able to skip on practice to re-record vocals.

“I am. My identity crisis, for the time being, has been resolved,” Jiyong says, leaning back on his hands. “Sorry for dumping it all on you.”

“I long ago resolved to the fact that my life job will be functioning as the dumping ground for all your identity crises, don’t worry,” Youngbae says with an attempted serious expression. He dissolves into laughter a moment later and Jiyong rolls his eyes. “But seriously, I think…you’re good for each other you know? I was worried it’d mess everything up.”

"Me too,” Jiyong says. He watches as the rest of the dancers leave before continuing. “I think we’ll be okay though. It’s different then dating someone else because it’s not just someone else it’s…him.”

“We’ll have to change your brand,” Youngbae says. “No more mopey songs about break ups, just fluffy romantic ballads about his eyes and his hair and-“

Jiyong slaps his shin as he flushes. “I was being serious!”

“I know, I know!” Youngbae says. “I’m happy for you two. Maybe even a little jealous.”

Jiyong tilts his head to the side. “Oh?”

It’s Youngbae’s turn to flush now and he ducks his head before turning around. “No, no I’m not in the mood for a deep emotional chat today. I’ll pencil you in for next Thursday. I’ll come lay on your couch and get shit-faced, okay?”

“Sounds like a deal.”

           


End file.
